


You Think I'm in Love

by innusiq



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Episode Related, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-07-24
Updated: 2000-07-24
Packaged: 2018-11-10 22:54:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innusiq/pseuds/innusiq
Summary: This is a post COTW story where Fraser, Stan and Ray all realize there are where they shouldn't be.





	You Think I'm in Love

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

You Think I'm in Love

## You Think I'm in Love

by Innusiq

Author's disclaimer: They're not mine. Some other big-shot owns them and that's a shame.

Author's notes: I haven't quite figured out where this one came from. All I know is I was at mass one Sunday and during the readings it popped into my head and I had to write it. I'm not a Fraser/Kowalski pairing writer and am quite stunned myself at the dip into the pool I've taken. I hope this is enjoyable. 

Comments are as always welcomed.

* * *

Rating: PG   
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio; Fraser/Kowalski (not a multiple partner thing) Archive: Yes, this may be archived.  
This will be uploaded to the Hexwood archive 

***I don't know where this one came from. All I know is I was at mass one Sunday and during one of the readings it popped into my head and I couldn't not write it. I am not a writer of the Fraser/Kowalski pairing and am quite shocked that I've even attempted a splash into it but this is more for the Fraser/Vecchio pairing lovers. I just wanted to warn anyone who needs to be warned. Other than that, enjoy.*** 

You Think I'm in Love  
by: Jenny Hill 

The room was dark as he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling that was barely visible. The only noise he could hear was the even breathing of his lover lying next to him. Or at least this was the person he touched and allowed himself to be touched, as a lover should. How is it he let life lead him to this point? It was the point of no return or at least a point that made it inevitable for someone to be hurt in the end and that person wasn't going to be him. He so wished it would be though. He never meant to hurt anyone, least of all the man lying next to him. 

Fraser sighed as he pulled himself from the bed they shared, dressed in his red long johns and walked over to the only window in the cabin's bedroom. It was winter again, just as it had been when they first arrived in the Territories, his home and yet he seemed to resent that fact. He resented being home. It didn't feel like home anymore but more like a prison with no release in sight. 

A movement to his right drew Fraser's attention away from the window and he watched as Diefenbaker approached. His wolf sat at his feet and looked up at him with an all-knowing stare. The wolf knew what was going on. He had known all along and even tried to warn his companion but Fraser wouldn't listen. He was a lonely man and when a person is lonely they tend to lean towards desperate actions. 

Fraser stooped next to his wolf and began stroking his head. "My life is a mess yet again Dief. How did I let things get so out of control?" But he already knew the answer to that question. He had grabbed hold of the closest thing he recognized as love and wouldn't let go. He couldn't let go because he couldn't stand to be alone anymore. Why was history repeating itself? "What am I going to do?" 

"Fraser?" The slight body in the bed called out his name as an arm reached to where Fraser's body should have been. 

Fraser closed his eyes in dread. "I'm over by the window," he reluctantly answered. Fraser had hoped to get a few hours to himself before confronting the person whom he did care for but was not in love with. There was only one person he was in love with and that person was a million miles away. 

"What are you doing over there? It's cold out," Stan said as he shivered slightly, pulling the covers around him tightly. 

"I assure you Ray, it's not that cold," Fraser said indifferently as he stood up and returned his gaze out the window to look over the snow covered horizon. A shiver passed through his body. 

"Try telling my body that," Stan said as he sat up, looking at the back of his lover outlined by the moonlight that was coming in through the small window. Stan lifted the covers on Fraser's side of the bed. "Come on, come back to bed," he said trying to entice his lover back to the warmth of the bed. 

Fraser could hear the covers being moved but wouldn't turn to look at Stan. "No Ray, not yet." 

Stan leaned over the side of the bed to retrieve his sweat pants and put them on under the covers. "You okay?" The question was asked full of concern and it was a question that had been asked far too frequently as of late. 

"Yes Ray, I am fine. Why wouldn't I be?" He was lying through his teeth and he hated that fact. He hated lying to a man who trusted him with his life and his heart. 

"You just haven't been yourself these last couple weeks. You've been kinda . . . distant lately," Stan said as he began climbing out of the bed. 

"I may be out of sorts but it's nothing to concern yourself over." Fraser could hear Stan climbing out of the bed and he could also hear his footsteps against the bare wood floor as he approached from behind. "Ray, please . . ." 

Fraser's plead was ignored. Stan stood behind him and wrapped his arms around him, resting his head on Fraser's shoulder. "Fraser, come on, come back to bed. We can keep each other warm." Ray placed a kiss on the side of Fraser's neck, hoping to convince his lover to join him in bed. 

Fraser turned to look at Stan who was standing behind him. All Stan had on was a pair of sweat pants and Fraser could see the goose-pumps forming on the younger man's body just from the few minutes of being out of bed. "Ray, go back to bed. It is far too cold out here for you." 

The hurt on Stan's face couldn't be hidden. "Alone?" 

"I will be back shortly. I need to take Diefenbaker for a walk." Fraser made the excuse up. 

"You have to go with him? You usually let him out on his own." 

Fraser's head bowed forward and then he brought it up to meet Stan's eyes. "Ray, I need to go . . . to think . . . I won't be gone long." Fraser prayed he would accept that and not question him any further. In order to guarantee that, he placed a kiss on Ray's forehead. "Go back to bed." 

The tenderness Fraser used in those words worked and he was ushering Stan back and into the bed. "Dress warmly," Stan advised as Fraser brought the covers up over his body. 

Fraser gazed down upon Stan and said, "Don't I always." 

Stan remained in the bed as he watch Fraser dress and when the door was closed, he said out loud to the empty room, "I love you." 

The darkness of the room was closing in on him and he knew the end was near. At first, when their relationship began, he thought Fraser needed time to adjust - adjust to being in love and being loved in return. The guy had lived such an isolated life it seemed a miracle that he had survived thus far. When they first became lovers, shortly after their departure on the adventure to find the Hand of Franklin, after each pleasurable encounter, there would be such a desperate need in Fraser to be held it scared Stan. Fraser needed to be held and comforted and reassured that he wasn't alone anymore. 

But things were different now. Stan knew he was just a replacement for someone else, had been all along. It was the story of his life. He began as a replacement partner but Fraser had accepted him as a partner in his own right. Fraser made Stan feel not like a replacement but more a new partner. In being his "replacement" partner, it was then assumed Stan was also a replacement friend but Fraser couldn't leave it at that either. Fraser made sure they were honest to goodness friends even though Stan tried to push him away to keep himself from being hurt in the end, when Vecchio returned. He needed the distance because he knew Vecchio would return to reclaim his own life: family, friends and job - lock stock and barrel. Stan had lost too much in his own life to go and get attached to a Mountie that he didn't have the right to. 

Time was slipping away from Stan and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He became restless with lying in bed, waiting for Fraser to return. Stan climbed back out of bed and headed towards their bureau. He pulled out the first warm sweater he could find and it happened to be one of Fraser's. 

Wrapped in Fraser's sweater, which was keeping the goose bumps at a minimum, Stan walked over to the bedroom window and looked out over the vast landscape that seemed to stretch out for miles. It was a breathtaking view. It was a view that could calm a most uneasy soul. It was a view he was going to miss. 

He should have put a stop to this months ago but he couldn't. He was in love with the guy and even if Fraser didn't return his feelings equally, Stan was willing to take all that he could get from the Mountie. It would be enough or at least he thought it would be enough. But everything changed when Fraser received that letter from an old friend a month back. It was a letter Fraser didn't discuss the contents with Stan about but he knew who the letter was from and as their relationship (if that is what it was) deteriorated, the inevitable became clear to Stan. 

It wasn't enough anymore and knowing he wasn't able to fulfill the need in Fraser's heart was putting a strain on his own. He knew he had to end it and soon. He knew Fraser would think he was abandoning him just like everyone else in his life but it was for their own good. It would be for the best. And maybe, just maybe, Fraser would find what he had been looking for and maybe or maybe not, Stan would also find a compatible partner who loved him just as much as he would love them. With the future, one could never tell but if one didn't try, one would also never know. 

* * *

As the Jeep rolled its way up over the ridge overlooking his father's rebuilt cabin Fraser's chest began to tighten with the knowledge of another day which had passed with him living a lie. When he looked down at the cabin, the air in the Jeep seemed to disappear as his eyesight landed on Stan's own Jeep parked in front of the cabin. Normally, Fraser beat Stan home from their respective jobs and he usually took that time to prepare for an evening with the man whom he had accepted as his lover. Fraser exhaled the breath he had been holding. Diefenbaker placed a paw on his thigh and whimpered. "It's okay Dief, I can do this. I can handle anything." With that said, Fraser put the vehicle back in gear and continued his drive to the cabin. 

"Ray?" Fraser called out as he entered the cabin. He removed his coat, hanging it in the small closet next to the door and hanging his Stetson on the door hook. 

"I'll be out in a second," Stan's voice carried out into the living room from their bedroom. 

As Fraser headed towards the kitchen in order to begin his nightly routine of making dinner for the three of them, he could hear shuffling noises coming from the bedroom. 

Diefenbaker left Fraser's company and joined Stan in the bedroom, cocking his head to one side when he saw the man struggling with an overloaded travel bag. A whimper escaped when he didn't understand what Stan was up to. 

"Don't look at me like that Dief. I have to leave, you know it as well as I do," Stan said as he finally managed to zip the bag closed. 

Fraser's routine took shape quickly starting with him pulling ingredient items out of the cupboards and refrigerator, not even paying much attention to what each item was. The goal was to keep busy in order to keep from thinking too much. That's all he did during the day, think. It could drive any sane man over the edge. 

The sound of Diefenbaker coming out of the bedroom and barking in alarm was the only noise that Fraser allowed to distract him from his chore. When he turned he also saw Stan exiting the bedroom with a bag slung over his shoulder. By its bulkiness, it seemed to contain just about everything he owned that was stored in the cabin. 

"Ray?" Fraser called out in a question as he followed Stan's movements towards the cabin door with his eyes alone. Stan dropped his bag there and remained in that one position with his back to Fraser not knowing what he was going to say. "Ray?" 

Stan shook himself, whether it was to rid his body of the tremors that were uncontrollable at that point or to gain the courage he would need to do what he had to do, he was unsure. He turned, digging his hands into his jean pockets and offered Fraser a smirk of a smile. "Fraser . . . I think . . . ah . . . I think we need to talk." 

Wiping his hands on a rag, Fraser walked into the living room area of the cabin. "Yes Ray?" 

Fraser looked so innocent, his blue eyes wide open as if he didn't already know what they needed to discuss but Stan knew better than that now. Fraser was all too aware of the problems between them. He just wasn't ready to admit them and Stan was fairly sure, if he didn't make the first move, Fraser never would. 

Both men stood in the middle of the room. One man studying every movement the younger man made and the other avoiding all eye contact as much as possible. "Ray . . ." 

"Fraser . . . " They both spoke at the same time but Stan was the one who continued his thoughts. "Fraser . . . I'm leaving." And the words were left hanging in the air until they settled and their meaning was fully understood by the Mountie. 

"You're leaving?" Fraser repeated Stan's decision as if it had come from out of the blue. 

"Yeah, you can't tell me you're surprised by this . . . this has been a long time coming . . . you know it, I know it, heck even Dief knows it . . ." 

"Ray . . . you're not making much sense here . . ." 

"Aren't I?" Stan was amazed how oblivious Fraser could be to the truth. "Do you need me to spell it out for you?" He didn't receive an answer to his question so he continued on. "Fraser, I am leaving because you don't love me." 

There was shock written all over Fraser's face at those words. "That's not true Ray . . ." 

"Yes it is Fraser, just admit it." 

"Ray, I wouldn't have spent the last year with you if I didn't love you." The excuse of an explanation was thrown out and yet it was a lie in the same breath. 

Stan laughed and shook his head. Fraser wasn't getting it. He wasn't seeing that Stan was letting him go to find his soul mate. "Fraser, " Stan continued in a softer voice, "I know you loved me and I know you probably still love me . . ." 

Fraser interrupted, "Then what are you saying?" 

"Fraser, you may love me but you're not in love with me." There, Stan had said it finally and in return he received a very quiet Mountie. He smiled as he closed the gap between himself and Fraser, cupping his hands around Fraser's face. "You may love me but I know when you're call out my name, it's not me you're calling for. You know I'm right Fraser." 

And Fraser did know he was right. All he could do was stare back at his friend with eyes that were filled with hurt, anguish, love and fear. He knew he wasn't in love with Stan and couldn't continue living the life he was living and still be happy. But Fraser also knew he couldn't live a life alone, again. "Do you have to leave?" Fraser knew it was a selfish thing to ask but he didn't care. 

Stan realized this was going to be hard and that one question made it even harder. He would do anything to stay but he couldn't because he would not only be deceiving himself but Fraser as well. He needed to do this right so that there was still a friendship remaining. "Fraser, you know I can't. If there is anything we can salvage from this, I need to leave now." Stan removed his hands from Fraser's face and pulled him into a hug. 

Fraser leaned into the embrace and wrapped his arms around him. "Where will you go?" 

Stan pulled out of the embrace far too soon for Fraser's liking but he had to let him go. "The only place I know, Chicago. I called Lt. Welsh the last time I was in town about getting my old job back or a least a position somewhere in the Chicago PD and he said a position had just opened up in the 27th so . . . " 

Chicago seemed so far away. It had been little over a year since he last stepped foot in the all too claustrophobic and grimy city and yet he missed it. Or at least he missed what he had left behind and the fact the Stan was returning there made Fraser begin to resent his choice. "Chicago?" 

"Yeah, Chicago . . . I've missed it ya know, since being here with you. I mean I've loved being here and all but I've kinda missed the hustle and bustle of the big city that I grew up in, ya know?" Stan was keeping a close eye on Fraser, to make sure he was all right and yet he knew that Fraser would do everything in his power to keep that information from surfacing. 

Fraser absent-mindedly nodded his head. "Yes Ray, I understand." He watched as Stan fidgeted back and forth on his feet. "Ray . . ." 

"Yeah Fraser?" 

"I . . . ah . . . I just wanted to tell you that . . . ah . . . that I received a letter a while back from Chicago." Fraser felt guilty about keeping that information from the man he had considered his lover but he couldn't tell Stan what was contained in the letter then but now, it was no longer something to worry about. 

Stan shrugged his shoulders as he responded. "Yeah, I know. You don't have to tell me what was in it. I don't need to know. I figured it was personal." 

Fraser shook his head. "No Ray, you do need to know. If there is anything I can do . . . in an effort to say I'm truly sorry for what I've done . . . I have to tell you." 

The alarms were going off in Stan's head and he didn't know what to expect to come out of the Mountie's mouth. "Hey Fraser, there's nothing to be feeling sorry for. We both made this mistake. This is as much my fault as yours . . ." 

Fraser averted his eyes from Stan and moved passed him towards the bookshelf in the living room. He selected one of his own journals and began flipping through its pages until he found what he was looking for. Fraser pulled out the letter in question and once he returned the journal to its proper place, he opened the piece of paper in hand. Fraser stared at the familiar writing, not wanting to hand it over to Stan but he knew he had to. To make things right or as right as they could get at this point he had to let Stan read it. 

"Fraser?" 

At the sound of his name, Fraser turned, his arm outstretched as he walked back to Stan and handed the letter to him. "Please, read it." 

Stan was a little reluctant to take the letter from Fraser but after looking into his eyes, he took the offered paper and turned to sit on the couch and read it as Fraser asked. 

"Dear Benny," Just the nickname alone had his stomach turning. The fact that the written words from this man could have such a profound effect on Fraser told Stan he was definitely doing the right thing. Stan continued reading. 

"As you can tell by the postmark, I am writing you from Chicago - my home. Can you believe that? I'm finally home, for good. I never thought I would find myself here but here I am and I can't help but wonder why you're not here with me as well." The guy surely did know how to pull on the heartstrings of this Mountie. Isn't it enough that he had Stella but now he has to have the Mountie as well? 

"You're my best friend Benny. I know I haven't acted as such lately, what with running off on an undercover assignment and then retreating to Florida when things got to be too much for me. I just wanted to at least tell you that, in case you were wondering. I know how you like to over analyze things and this is one topic I need you to be clear on. You will always be my best friend. Nothing can ever change that." Duh, Vecchio, don't you know you never had anything to worry about. You can and will never be replaced. 

"I miss you Benny. I didn't realize how much until I was in Florida with Stella." Oh, I hate this guy. "Stella's a wonderful person. She's been very supportive of my - or our - endeavors. Hey, we even opened a bowling alley down in Florida. Imagine that, me - Ray Vecchio - ex-cop, bowling alley owner and manager. It was crazy but we were a great success; still are. We both have returned to Chicago though, but only as friends. As I said, Stella's a wonderful person and I do care for her but I was only a substitute. She's in love with someone else . . ." What? 

How is it this man has the capability to turn everyone's lives upside-down and still come up smelling like roses? I am gonna have to give him a piece of my mind when I get back to Chicago or a good swift kick in the head . . . 

"I hope you and Stan are doing well and are happy. That is all I ever wanted for you - for you to be happy. You deserve that and more in your life. You deserve someone who will make and keep you happy. If he does that for you, I can accept that because as long as I know you are happy, then so am I." Oh, this guy really knows how to lay it on thick and ya know, the Mountie is probably buying every word of it. "Give Dief a scratch behind the ear for me and let him know there's a jelly donut waiting for him whenever you decide to visit. Love Ray." 

Love Ray? First he takes my wife - well, ex-wife and now he wants Fraser. What, wasn't Stella good enough? This guy's got the nerve I tell ya. But, Stan knew better than to believe in his anger. Ray didn't choose his life any more than Fraser or he, himself. Stan continued brooding well past his initial reading of the letter that Fraser was the one to break their silence. 

"I'm sorry for not telling you, Ray . . . I couldn't," Fraser stammered out as he sat down next to Stan on the couch. 

Stan shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, you can't help who you love now can you?" 

"No, you can't," Fraser agreed. 

Stan turned his head to look at Fraser and asked, "Why couldn't you tell me?" 

Fraser wouldn't meet Stan's eyes as he answered his question. "I couldn't compete with your past." 

At that moment, Stan's eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets and an unbelievable laugh escaped his lips. "My past? You couldn't compete with my past?" 

"Ray, I don't believe this is a laughing matter," Fraser began as he stood up and walked over to the bookshelf keeping his back to Stan. "Stella was a big part of your life . . . she still is. I know you still love her . . . you can't deny it any more than I can deny my love for Ray." 

"Don't you think I felt the same way about Vecchio?" And those words stopped Fraser's thoughts in their tracks. "I can't compete with him. God knows I tried but I can't and I won't anymore." Stan shook his head. 

"I never meant for you to feel like you needed to be like him . . ." 

"Shhh, I know . . . It just happened. You wanted him but ya got me instead so you made due but I wasn't good enough." 

Looking at Stan, Fraser said, "You were good enough . . ." 

"No, Fraser, I wasn't. I wasn't what you wanted. I can accept that now. I pretty much knew it when we started this. I am equally to blame for where we are today." 

"And where are we Ray?" 

Stan got up off the couch and joined Fraser by the bookshelf, standing next to him. "I'd like to think we're still friends . . . Is that possible? Can we still be friends Fraser?" Stan asked with a hopeful voice. 

Fraser turned to look at his friend and smiled. "Ray, I will always consider you a friend to me." 

* * *

Ray Vecchio, detective first grade of the Chicago PD; He liked the sound of that as the words rolled around in his head. He had missed that; the pursuit of the criminal, sorting through the facts, collecting the evidence; rummaging through dumpsters, climbing up the sides of buildings, crawling through the city's sewer system. . . Okay, so maybe he didn't miss the latter items so much but when things like that did happen, it usually meant a certain Mountie was involved and that person was whom he really missed most of all. 

Ray turned his head towards the passenger seat of his car. It was empty, as it had been ever since his return to the Windy City. It was as empty as the back seat and as empty as his soul felt. Ray had thought Fraser would've returned to Chicago as well upon receiving his letter but that wasn't the case. It had been over a month since he mailed off what he assumed was a pouring out of his soul and he had yet to even receive a phone call form the stubborn Canadian. 

Ray rolled his vehicle into his assigned spot in the back parking lot of the 27th precinct and once he was parked, Ray exited his car. It wasn't the "Riv", he observed for what seemed the millionth time but it got him from point A to point B in a timely fashion. This was not to say he wasn't looking for yet another replacement Riv, he was always looking but as of yet, his dream car had remained illusive. 

He had been back in the town he grew up in little over two months and he had his job back for an even shorter time period, just over a month. Today marked a fist for him . . . or at least a first since the Mountie. Today Ray was being assigned a partner. He didn't know who or what to expect but Ray pretty much figured if he could handle an "unofficial" partnership with a crazy Mountie - or at least a Mountie with crazy ideas \- any other partnership would be a cake walk. 

Carrying a cup of coffee in one hand and his coat in the other, Ray entered the squad room, five minutes late, and turned heading straight for his desk. 

"Vecchio!" Lt. Welsh bellowed from his office. It wasn't an irritated tone just the tone he usually used when addressing the detective. 

Ray turned abruptly. "Yes sir?" 

"Would you please join me in my office?" Lt. Welsh requested in a calmer voice as he disappeared back into the office. 

"I'll be right there, sir," Ray replied. He dropped off his coat and coffee cup at his desk and went directly into his commanding officer's office as requested. He knew what was waiting for him on the other side of the threshold - a partner. "This could be good," Ray thought, trying to convince himself as he entered Lt. Welsh's office but when his eyes met those of his new partner's, he was thinking differently. 

Lt. Welsh smirked at the reaction he saw on Ray's face as the two men were locked in a stare-down. "I don't believe introductions are necessary." 

Ray swallowed before responding. "No, sir." 

"No, sir," Stan Kowalski agreed. If he didn't know any better, he would swear to the fact that if Vecchio kept staring at him in that manor, he would have turned to stone. "It's been quite a while Vecchio," Stan said as he stood up and offered his hand for a shake. 

Ray stared at the offered hand as if it were a snake preparing to bite but finally and still reluctantly he took hold. "That it has Stanley; that is has." 

Stan had to bite down on his lip to keep his cool over the use of his formal first name - which he hated and still resented his father for giving him - and politely corrected his new partner. "It's Ray . . . or if you'd prefer, Kowalski." 

This gesture impressed Ray. The Mountie must have had a good influence on the kid. Ray nodded and said, "All right, Kowalski." 

"Good, I'm glad you two are gonna be able to get along this time. I expect you two to be on your best behavior and treat each other with the respect due . . . and try not to kill each other, okay?" Lt. Welsh had his reservations about pairing the two, volatile detectives up but he wasn't about to pass up the opportunity to use the two cops who were trained in the Mountie's ways. They could end up being the "super" team of Chicago cops or . . . then again maybe not. All he could do was try. 

"Yes, sir," both men said in unison before being dismissed to begin their day's work. 

The detectives exited their Lieutenant's office and headed towards their desks. In preparation for his new partner, Ray's desk had been moved to an area that provided ample space for two desks to be situated next to each other. Stan kept his mouth shut as he followed Ray, remembering the last time they were together in this precinct, arguing over desk territory. Punches would have been swung if it weren't for Francesca's intervention. He couldn't guarantee that wouldn't happen again but he was going to do his damnedest to at least try and get through the first day without a brawl. 

"So, Kowalski, how was Canada?" Ray asked nonchalantly, sounding truly curious. His hopes were on high at the moment. They rose at the first sight of the spiked haired detective because he was certain wherever Stan went Fraser was sure to follow. On a sad note, he couldn't help but think, a few years back, it was usually he that Fraser followed or vise versa. 

"You know Vecchio . . .Canada's Canada," Stan replied with a shrug as he sat down at what appeared to be his desk. It was good to have a desk that was his and no one else's but his. 

"Yeah, I know . . . I hated it," Ray said as he took his own seat. 

Pulling open drawers and investigating "his" territory, Stan added, "I loved it." 

There eyes met for a moment at the contradictory words spoken and Ray asked, "Then what are ya doing down here? Benny didn't embarrass any more government officials and get his butt kicked out of the country again, did he?" 

Stan shook his head. "No, Vecchio, Canada still loves 'Benton Fraser, R.C.M.P.'" 

"Oh," Ray nodded his head, "so why are you back if you liked Canada so much?" Ray asked as he started pulling files out of his desk drawer. 

"It was time to come home," Stan replied and there was no hiding the melancholy in his voice. It was a simple answer that didn't seem to need any further explanation. Stan tried to busy himself with the exploration of his desk but there really wasn't much there to see. 

"So, when's Benny coming?" Ray asked assuming it be the most natural thing for a person to follow his lover, wherever he went. 

Stan stopped what he was doing to look at Ray who wasn't even paying much attention to him. Ray was busying leafing through the files on his desk. "Ah . . . he's not coming." That got the detectives attention. 

"What?" Ray's head sprung up from the files so fast he was certain whiplash would set in. "What do ya mean he's not coming?" 

"Fraser's staying in Whitehorse, where his current posting is," Stan clarified. 

Ray couldn't help but stare at his partner in disbelief. "He's staying in Canada? Don't you think that will put a strain on things . . . I mean . . . a long distance relationship can be quite hard in the most normal of circumstances but . . ." 

"Vecchio, we are not together anymore. That's why I came back," Stan said vehemently as he stood up to leave the area. It was still a touchy subject for him to discuss and even though he knew he did the right thing, leaving Fraser, it was too weird discussing it with the person whom unintentionally was responsible. 

Ray stood up too and grabbed Stan's arm to stop his retreat. "Hey, what happened? Are you two okay?" 

Stan pulled his arm away a little more forcefully than planned and stated, "We're fine, I left him that's all." 

"You left him?" Ray repeated in a question. 

"Yeah, why?" 

"Well, no one in their right mind would leave Benny," Ray stated without even thinking of what those words meant. 

Stan looked directly into Ray's eyes and said, "You did." And that was the spark that ignited the inferno all over again. 

* * *

It was one year ago that they were battling over territory and here they were again. But this time it wasn't an inanimate object but more the object of their affections. The blow came quicker than he expected and he couldn't do anything to retaliate because his attacker, his new partner was out the door before he could get off the ground. Stan had expected this. He expected Ray to defend the honor of Fraser and squash anyone who would even dare hurt him. But Ray didn't know what was going on in Fraser head. 

"Ray are you okay?" The feminine voice called out as she hurried over to where he was reclined on the floor. 

Stan nodded his head with his hand covering the point of impact on the corner of his mouth. "Yeah, I'm fine, thanks Frannie." 

"Kowalski! What's going on now?" Lt. Welsh's voice was booming as he approached the scene. 

"Ah, nothing Lieutenant, just a difference of opinion." Stan covered as Francesca helped him up. 

"It doesn't look like nothing," Lt. Welsh commented as he scanned the room for Ray. "Francesca, did you see what happened?" 

"Well, sir, I . . ." Francesca stopped her sentence when she looked at Stan and his eyes were telling her to keep quiet. "A yes sir, it was a difference of opinion," she agreed, backing up Stan's explanation. 

Lt. Welsh didn't believe a word but if his officer's were gonna work things out amongst themselves, as long as they didn't kill each other that was fine by him. "Fine, but I don't want to see anymore of these 'differences of opinion' in this station, capise?" Stan just nodded his head, which satisfied him. "Okay, back to work people," Lt. Welsh said waiving his arms at the other officers in the room who were taking too much interest in what was going on with the new partners. 

"Thanks Frannie," Stan said as he sat back down at this desk. 

"What did my brother do?" 

"He hit me." 

Francesca rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I could see that but why? Does this have something to do with Fraser?" 

Stan nodded his head. "I think I may have stepped over the Vecchio hospitality line when I left Fraser." 

Francesca's eyes couldn't have gotten any bigger. Even she was ready to defend the honor of a man she would never have. "You what?" 

Stan covered his face in preparation of receiving another fistful of Vecchio but when the contact didn't happen, he slowly let his guard down. "You heard me Frannie." 

"Yeah I heard you. I just can't believe you." Francesca moved her brother's chair next to Stan's desk and from the looks of it, it seemed they were about to have a heart to heart talk and Stan just wasn't quite ready for that. But of course, with a Vecchio woman, you never had a choice. Stan said nothing. "Ray, come on, you can talk to me." 

"Do you realize how weird this is gonna be for me? To talk about my relationship with Fraser, with the woman who couldn't keep here eyes off of him and wished she had been in my position?" Stan had to put the cards on the table to make sure she was ready for such a discussion. 

"Ray," Francesca began as she placed a hand on his arm, "I am well aware of your relationship with Fraser. I'm okay with it now. I mean at first . . . hmm . . . at first I was shocked and maybe slightly devastated but eventually I understood. It's life, we can pick who we love but we can't pick who love us." And those were the best words to describe the situation. 

"Ain't that the truth." Stan couldn't believe how mature Francesca was being. It was refreshing and a sense of pride passed through Stan to see the woman she had grown to be. Stan now felt he could continue. "I left Fraser." 

Even though it was the second time he uttered those words, she still couldn't hide the shock in her eyes but she was able to suppress any anger towards this him. That she was definitely better at than her brother was. "Why?" 

Stan ran his hands through his nest of hair and replied, "He's in love with someone else." A smile quirked Stan's face as he continued, "Funny thing is I already knew that. I knew that from the start but this person didn't seem to have any interest in Fraser so I thought, 'what the hell, Fraser would get over him eventually.' I mean how long can a person hold out for another?" Stan shook his head at his own stupidity. "Well, I learned it was for quite a long time if not forever." 

"He loves someone else?" Francesca repeated the words as if not believing them. "Who?" 

Stan looked directly at her and replied, "Isn't it obvious?" Francesca sat there for a minute just searching her friend's eyes until it dawned on her and a sudden intake of breath was her only response. "It's not that shocking," Stan said with a shrug of his shoulder. "If you really think about it, they were a couple before the thought of being a couple ever entered their own minds. I know that and I didn't even know them then." 

One of her hands covered her gaping mouth and she knew that Stan was right. "I never thought . . . I mean the thought never crossed my mind . . . " Stan simply nodded his head. 

* * *

Ray was still gripping his fist when the door closed behind him. Feeling around in the dark, he found a place to sit and once he had his butt placed on the copier paper box, Ray dropped his head in his hands. "Get a grip Vecchio . . . . Fraser can take care of himself. He's a big boy . . . " But all Ray had to do was think back almost two years when a mysterious woman re-entered his best friend's life, turning it upside down and leaving him for dead. 

"That was different . . . this has nothing to do with the past," Ray rationalized but what he didn't realize was that it had everything to do with the past. A past of no love or affection in order to create a definition for those emotions caused the situation Fraser found himself in. He had nothing to compare his own emotions to. Fraser lacked any type of example as to what love was. 

A knock on the closet door startled Ray out of his meditation. "Ray, it's me, Frannie." She heard no response from her brother so she knocked again. "Ray, I know you're in there. Jack saw you . . . can I come in?" Francesca was beginning to feel like an idiot standing in the precinct back hallway, pleading with a closet door for entrance. Finally, the doorknob was turned and the door was pushed open slightly. 

She found Ray sitting on a box of paper with his elbows resting on his knees. "Some way to start a new partnership, huh Frannie?" 

A smile crossed Francesca's face as she entered the closet. "You could say that, Bro." Ray allowed her to take a seat across from him before he pulled the door closed again, shutting out most of the light. She remembered the last time she had been in this very closet. It was with Fraser and at the time it involved him shoving Stan's personal files in his trousers. If only the light had been on . . . 

"Frannie!" Ray yelled for the third time. He could hear her startle back to the present and he asked, "Geez, where were you just then?" 

"Ah, nowhere . . . it's not important . . ." Francesca stammered bringing herself back to reality. "What happened out there, Ray?" Ray shrugged his shoulders but didn't answer verbally. Francesca could hear the gesture made by her brother and him being so quiet unnerved her. Exasperated, Francesca stood up and pulled on the string hanging down from the small light fixture. "There," she said as she sat back down. "I can understand you better in the light." 

Ray gave his sister a look as if to say, "you're nuts." "Ray, you know as well as I do our body language says more than any word we speak." He gave his sister a knowing smile, agreeing with her. "So, Ray . . . what happened?" 

Ray shrugged his shoulders again and said, "I don't know. I guess it's just my family 'protective instincts' coming out." 

"Man, you looked like you wanted to kill him. I just walked in the room when I saw the punch." Francesca was shaking her head in disbelief. She rarely saw her brother act like that. It was a point of pride on Ray's part, him not being like their father. The only time she had seen him cross that line, before today, was when a date with Guy Rankin went farther than she'd liked and her date couldn't take no for an answer. Ray had put the guy in his place if not stepped over the line and all to protect the honor of a person he loved. 

"I didn't mean to punch him Frannie . . . it just happened . . . like it was out of my control." And those words made him cringe. He was more like their father then he liked to admit. 

"You care about Benton very much, don't you?" Nothing like jumping feet first into the pool. 

Ray was concentrating his eyesight on his clasped hands, trying to avoid her eyes. "Yeah, he's my best friend, you know that. Why wouldn't I?" 

"I'm not saying you shouldn't." She didn't know where she was headed with this one but she trudged ahead anyway. "Ray, do you remember our discussion in the interrogation room, where you told me guys like him don't marry girls like me?" 

There was hurt in his eyes when he brought them up to meet hers. "Oh, Frannie, I didn't mean that . . . I was going on 72 hours of no sleep and that, combined with the possibility of my best friend sleeping with my baby sister . . . it's an understatement to say it pushed me over the edge that night." Ray ran his hands over his cropped hair and rested them on the back of his neck. "I'm sorry Frannie. It was none of my business. Fraser tried to tell me that back then but I didn't want to hear it." Ray's view moved from his sister to the floor out of embarrassment of admitting he was wrong. 

"Hey," Francesca said, as she took hold of his chin in order to bring his eyes up to meet her own. "It's all right. I shouldn't have been flaunting it in everyone's faces, ya know?" Ray accepted her words of apology. "Ray," Francesca began, waiting to make sure he was truly listening to her, "nothing happened that night." 

"What? Are you telling the truth or are you just trying to make me feel better?" Ray asked being ever Mr. Doubtful. 

"Ray, I should think if something did happen, I would at least know. He was a perfect gentleman that night - well, as gentlemanly as one can be when you've been beaten, ya know?" Francesca shook her head in disgust over Frank Zuko. "How that man can do such cruel things to people and always get away with it, I will never understand." 

"Tell me about it," Ray concurred. 

"Ya know Ray, I have it on good authority that a certain Mountie misses you." 

"Ya coulda fooled me sis. I haven't heard from him since I've been back and ya know what they say, actions speak louder than words." Ray stood up at that point to leave but was stopped by a hand on his wrist. 

"Ray," Francesca said as she got up as well, "please wait. Will you take a little advice from your baby sister?" Ray gestured with his head for her to continue. He stood facing his sister with arms crossed against his chest. "You remember what I said happens to people like you, Ray?" 

Ray's eyes were registering shock at her words. Yes, he remembered what she said. He heard those words almost daily since she uttered them. That was exactly how he saw his life playing out. He was already nearing forty with no prospects on the horizon for a partner - well there was one he was interested in. Ray numbly nodded his head. 

"I was wrong Ray. I didn't mean what I said. I know you're not afraid to dream . . . oddly, you're just afraid to go after that dream. That dream is tangible Ray, all you have to do is reach for it . . . or travel a few hundred miles north and grab hold of him and never let him go." Francesca smiled when she saw her brother blush. 

* * *

He didn't even know why he was listening to his sister's advice but he was. It's not like he ever listened to her before or that she had ever listened to his own advise but his heart was leading him on his current path. Where was that path headed? Canada, of course - Whitehorse to be more specific and to his best friend whom needed him now more than ever. 

Things had been bad after Victoria's battle for his soul. Ray had seen the effects first hand and he could only imagine the current state of Fraser's heart after the first person he allowed in to see it, to hold it, to become part of it left him without a care in the world. Ray clutched his hands around the Jeep's steering wheel at the thought of the blonde man who was now his partner. The fact that he had taken Fraser away from in the first place was one thing but to leave him and return to Chicago like nothing had happened, well, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. No one in their right mind should ever leave Benton Fraser but then again, isn't that what Stan had reminded him of doing first? 

Ray was mad at himself as well. He could only imagine the thoughts that went through his best friend's head when he returned from his vacation to find his life turned upside-down and inside-out. Fraser never deserved that. He had trusted Ray with his life and Ray let him fall with no one there to catch him. But then again, someone was there. "Ray Vecchio" had been there to catch the Mountie when he fell but it wasn't Ray, more Stanley Raymond Kowalski. The more he thought about the blonde the more angry he became. He didn't even get to hear his side of the story. After he left the closet, Ray walked directly into his lieutenant's office, asked for a few days leave and was off. He couldn't even stand to look at his partner which was probably best because he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't have hit him again and that wouldn't have been right. 

As he pulled the Jeep up over the ridge overlooking the cabin he hadn't seen in more than two years, butterflies began fluttering in his stomach. He never would have recognized the structure had he not been there before. Since the fire and its reconstruction, it took on a whole new look. 

There was no turning back at this point. At the risk of his own heart, which Ray was prepared to lose completely, he released the brake and continued down the decline leading towards Fraser's cabin. The main reason he was here was because Fraser was his friend - best friend first and foremost. Ray would do anything for him. It had been that was from the first moment they met and would continue through for as long as either man had breath to breathe. Ray's heart belonged to Fraser even if Fraser's belonged to another Ray. 

* * *

It was days like this he dreaded the most. They were the days when he didn't have to go into work; the days when there was nothing to distract his mind from thinking about the mess he had let his life become or the mess he had made of his friend's life. People saw him as being brave, fearless or even (as some of the detective's at the 27th precinct compared) like Superman but they were wrong. He was a man just like the rest of them. He was capable of making mistakes and he was capable of falling. He had fallen for the third time and the way out was no where in sight. 

Victoria was the cause of his first falter. She had blindsided him, shoving him into a state that took him ten years to get over and it only ended when she nearly took his life. Yes, it was Ray's bullet that had him near death but she nearly stole the being he had become. The righteous man he struggled to be ever since he turned in the only woman he would ever love. And who was there to pick him up? Ray, the only person who would have been there. Ray was the only person who was strong enough to stick around even after being betrayed by his own best friend. He didn't deserve such a friend. 

The second time he stumbled was when he returned to find his best friend, the one person he trusted with his life and his soul had left town, without even a simple explanation or goodbye. He was left on his own for the first time since arriving in the city that had become his home but with Ray gone, Chicago was no longer a home. But there was someone who was there to help him through. It was a Ray but not the Ray he wanted. Stanley Raymond Kowalski, referred to as Ray, was now, Ray and it was hard at first but as the days passed, and the ties that connected Fraser to Ray Vecchio were stretched, it became easier. Stan became his partner, his friend and his family. This progression made it easy for him to remain in Canada rather than return to Chicago to confront his previous partner and it made it easy for him to love the wrong man. 

And now, he had faltered for the third time in realizing the wrong he had done to himself, Ray and Stan. He had teased with the heartstrings of his friend. He had denied his best friend the chance to explain his actions and he fooled himself into believing he had done the right thing. Now he was alone and being alone was the only thing Fraser was really good at. When he was alone, he didn't have to worry about another's feelings or speaking about his own. Keeping his emotions bottled up was the best thing for him to do because then he couldn't hurt anyone with what he would have to say. 

The knock on the cabin's door startled Fraser from his current round of berating and he sat up on the couch not moving from his position. He wasn't sure that he had heard the knock or if it had been a figment of his imagination. After a minute, the knock was confirmed by a second and out of habit of being polite, Fraser rose to answer the door. When the door was opened, the sight before his eyes was not registering clearly in his brain. He could see who was on the other side but it just couldn't be. He hated Canada. 

"You gonna ask me in or am I gonna have to freeze my ass off out here while you gawk at me?" Ray asked in a teasing manner that seemed to pull Fraser out of his stupor. 

"Ah, yes Ray, I'm sorry. Please, do come in." Fraser stepped aside to allow his friend entrance and was amazed at how his body reacted to Ray's simple movements when walking passed him. The way he looked, the way he smelled, how he breathed and if he could use the other two senses without alarming his friend, he would easily have found himself in heaven. 

The sound of a happy wolf attacking an equally pleased Chicago Detective was heard as Fraser closed the door. When he turned he saw Ray allow Diefenbaker to lick his face then he slipped a treat to their furry friend. "Ray?" 

"Ah, come on Benny, it's been over a year. Just one treat," Ray pleaded and Fraser would have given in if it was necessary but Diefenbaker had already taken the offered treat and ran off to the other room, leaving the humans to their debate. 

Fraser sighed, giving up the argument. "What are you doing here Ray?" 

Ray stood up and began taking off his winter wear. "What, can't a friend come and visit another friend for no reason?" 

"Yes but is that why you've come?" 

"What do you think?" 

"I think you're answering my questions with questions of your own on purpose to avoid the subject," Fraser surmised while habitually rubbing his eyebrow. 

"Where do you want this?" Ray asked, holding out his discarded coat and avoiding the subject again. 

Frsaer took the garment and hung it up in a closet off from the front door. "Ray . . ." 

"Listen Benny, when Stan came back to Chicago and you didn't . . . I got worried. I worry about you ya know? Just 'cause we haven't spoken in . . . what, over a year . . . " 

"A year, three months and two days," Fraser added quietly, feeling a bit guilty for having kept track. 

Ray blinked, stunned. "What, no minutes?" It was asked to lighten the mood but Fraser wouldn't respond. "Just 'cause we haven't been in contact, doesn't mean I don't care about you or what happens to you." 

"You do?" 

Ray was shocked that Fraser would ever doubt that fact. "Of course I do. You're my best friend, right?" 

Fraser didn't respond to the question directly but instead offered, "Would you like some coffee?" 

Ray watched as Fraser walked towards the kitchen to begin brewing the offered coffee. "Sure Benny." Ray followed Fraser to the kitchen area and took a seat at the small kitchen table. It was like old times, him at the table, Fraser making the coffee. If Ray closed his eyes he could just imagine the vision of the old apartment on West Racine. No matter how much he hated that place and the neighborhood it was in, he missed it with a passion. It was where their relationship began. 

"Ray?" Fraser called for the third time. 

"Yeah Benny?" 

"Do you want any cream or sugar with your coffee?" Fraser asked politely, knowing all too that this friend took it black. 

"No, black is fine, thanks." 

Fraser finished preparing the drinks, coffee for Ray and tea for himself. Placing the mug in front of Ray, Fraser retreated to the corner of the kitchen farthest from his friend. 

"Benny?" 

"Yes, Ray?" 

"Will you please sit down? I can't very well carry a conversation with you if you won't look at me." Ray pushed the chair opposite him back with his foot and Fraser just stared at it, in fear it may bite. "Please?" 

Reluctantly, and Ray could read that in Fraser's body language, Fraser took the seat but he still wouldn't meet Ray's eyes. 

"Yoo-hoo, Benny up here," Ray said making a motion with two fingers pointing to his eyes. 

Fraser met Ray's eyes and asked again. "Why are you here?" 

Ray sighed, seeing they were back to square one. "I told ya Benny, I was worried about you." 

"Yes, but why?" 

"Because you are my friend and I thought you needed a friend now." 

Fraser nodded his head, accepting Ray's answer. "How is Stan?" 

The question was not expected and it took Ray a few seconds to recover from hearing it. "Ah . . . I'm not sure." 

"What do you mean by you're not sure? You did see him, didn't you?" Fraser pushed for the information. 

"Well, yeah I mean we're partners now but . . . " 

Fraser gave Ray a scolding look. "Ray, what did you do?" He knew Ray far too well to just leave it at that. 

Ray should have known better that he couldn't keep what happened between him and Stan from Fraser. "Ah, well, when he came back and you didn't and he told me he left you . . . I sorta freaked." 

"Freaked?" Fraser repeated the word as if it was foreign to his mouth. 

"Yeah . . . ah . . . I sorta yelled at him and he yelled at me and then I punched him." Ray was hoping Fraser wouldn't pick up on that last part but who was he kidding? 

"You what?" Fraser looked mad and that surprised Ray. If anything, Fraser should hold a grudge against this man who tore his heart out but he was acting as if he still loved the guy but then again, when Fraser loves some one, it 's not easy for him to turn that emotion off. It took him ten year to get over one woman who didn't even return his affections. Ray could only imagine how long it was going to take this time. 

"I punched him?" 

"Ray . . ." 

Ray stopped the reprimand that was coming. "I know, I know, I shouldn't have done it. Listen, I'm sorry but it just happened. I couldn't control it. One minute we were fighting and the next he was down on the floor and I was heading for the closet." Fraser arched an eyebrow at that admission. "I had to think . . . I didn't like what I did." 

"Why did you do it Ray?" 

Ray shrugged his shoulders. "Because he hurt you. You loved the guy and he hurt you." 

Fraser shook his head at the misunderstanding. "If anyone, it should be me you are punching." 

"What, Benny, you're not making any sense. You were in love with the guy and he left you, just like that. That wasn't right." 

"I'm not in love with him," Fraser stated forcefully. 

Now, Ray was confused. "What? You don't love Stan?" 

"No, Ray, I do love Stan but I'm not in love with him." Fraser restated to clarify his meaning. 

"You're not in love with Stan? Then what was all this?" Ray asked, gesturing about, meaning his relationship with a man he wasn't in love with. It wasn't an aspect of life Ray thought Fraser was capable of but then they hadn't talked like this in a long time and things do change in life. 

"Ray, I thought I knew what love was when I met Victoria but I was wrong. Her kind of love wasn't love but hate, and power and vengeance. She didn't love me and I didn't love her. We were what we needed to be for each other and when we didn't need it anymore that was the end of it. Of course, she was the one that didn't need me and you were the one that helped me to see that." Ray wasn't looking at Fraser as he spoke about Victoria. It was still a tender wound that would never fully heal but with time, he hoped it would become harder to detect. "Then I thought I knew what love was . . . until I came back from my holiday in Canada and I found out you were gone." 

He was hearing the words but their meaning was taking its good old sweet time connecting with his brain. "Did he just say he loved me in a round about way?" Ray thought. Ray then closed his eyes for the look on Fraser's face was a sight he couldn't bare to see. Fraser, the one person he would never hurt intentionally, was full of pain and misery and it was his entire fault. The hardest decision he ever had to make in his life caused this and there was no going back to correct it. No erasing the time or anguish either man had gone through. All they could do was trust that time would now heal their wounds and hopefully they could move on. But where was on? 

"I'm sorry Benny," Ray said, knowing very well that the apology was useless. They were only words, politely said when one was feeling guilty - looking for forgiveness. 

"I'm sorry too, Ray." 

"What could you possibly be sorry for?" Sometimes this noble crap got on Ray's nerves. This whole carrying the world on his shoulder. Fraser didn't need to carry this burden his alone anymore and Ray was going to make sure of it. 

"I'm sorry not just to you but to Stan too. You think I'm in love? He does love me and he is in love with me and I tried to make it work. All I wanted was to make him happy but in making him happy, I was making myself unhappy." Fraser chuckled to himself. "I was drowning in my own nobility." 

"So you're not in love with Stan?" 

Fraser shook his head. 

"Then who?" 

Smiling the first happy smile Ray had seen since entering the cabin, Fraser replied, "You," as if it had been common knowledge. "It's always been you, Ray." Fraser had expected to see Ray run for the door but that didn't happen. What did happen shocked the Mountie to his very core. Ray stood up, walked around the table and held out a hand. Fraser hesitantly took hold and Ray pulled him to stand in front of him. They were face to face, nose to nose, chest to chest. "What are you doing, Ray?" 

Ray didn't respond with words straight away but first, wrapped his arms around Fraser, pulling him into a warm embrace and then whispered into his ear. "I'm grabbing hold of you and I'm never letting you go." 

Fraser was trembling slightly at the realization that Ray felt the same way. "You love me?" 

Ray pulled his head back slightly to look Fraser in the eyes. "No," and when a frown began to appear, Ray placed a hand of Fraser cheek and continued, "I'm in love with you." Ray leaned in and placed a kiss on those previously forbidden lips for the first time and it was like it always should have been and now always would be. 


End file.
